Bittersweet dilemma

Bittersweet dilemm

Dear Diary, It's the eve of my birthday
And what's the best way to feel?
Excited right?! But nah 
Nothing seems right
I don't know whether this is a plus one or two.
I feel to lazy to cook or to throw on some clothes to buy food.
Of course I could order but I have neither money, nor the number of the place I would be ordering from.
So I lay face up, on my bed in my underpants tapping away on my phone hoping sleep devours me before hunger gets a chance.

Dear Diary, I can't keep lying to myself anymore. I am afraid of what the future might hold for me.
My life seems orderly from a distance but is a mess when you get closer. 
I haven't said a word to my would -be girlfriend (I wonder if I can call her that) in three days. My life and ego makes me feel self righteous in my anger.
But what I'm I angry about?
I notice I am veering off topic so I make an effort to stay on track.

Dear Diary, As the firstborn of a firstborn of yet another firstborn, I feel the pressure from my family upon my neck, tho miles away they are.

Dear Diary, My brain muscle turn flaccid as I while away my time watching movies instead of studying.
I'm multi-talented (if I say so myself). Yet I feel like a half measure. I'm just 22 yet I feel 80, I'm just 22 yet I feel 13.
As discordant tunes fly through my mind, I look around me with heavy eyes. 
My emotions seep through the cracks, threatening to flood my being, should I hold this thought any longer.

Dear Diary, I can't seem to write down exactly what I need to....

Dear Diary, I think I'm getting depressed, damn.
Why don't they can me out, when I do something wrong, why do they nod and say it's okay when it clearly isn't. Why do I feel like I'm in a desert alone when I'm surrounded by many. Why do I feel like when I die, no one word care. Why...

Dear Diary, This is my therapy. I smile and wipe away the hot tears from my eyes. Even now I practice in the mirror, how to fake a smile and say thank you without breaking down. It's the eve of my birthday, I must be happy.


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